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Stupid Poetry
Rage And Other Emotions

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Road Rage

Narrowly avoiding a road traffic accident of my own making
I was confronted by an emotional young man
sporting a spider's web tattoo on his face
and waving his muscular arms all over the place
who queried my spectacle lens prescription
with a colourful choice of diction
short phrases peppered with saloon bar adjectives
predicting how many minutes I had to live.
I parried the thrust of his argument
by pointing out that I am a poor driver
who cannot fight for toffee.


Polytetraflouroethylene

Let's get down with polytetraflouroethylene
a prince among resins on the thermoplastic resin scene
opaque-white and waxy, maxe me happy, bash a tambourine
I can't get enough of polytetraflouroethylene.

Thermally stable, ain't no fable, it's a boffin's dream
no acids, alkalis, won't oxidise, it is resistant, see
for short I call it -C2F4 or PTFE
I'd do a lab dance for polytetraflouroethylene.

You'll never get stuck with polytetraflouroethylene
it's friction coefficient is so low it makes me want to scream
hail, sweet science, how you're fractionally frictiony
for frying pan and egg you make the ideal nonstick go between

I'm a resin anorak and you're an anorak's dream
I find it really hard to keep my thoughts of you clean
If you asked me for a date I'd be very, very keen
I so love you polytetraflouroethylene.


Space

Today I perceive myself to be
a planktonic microbe in the sea
the size of a dust mite's toenail clipping
I feel ever so flippin'
small.

The reason I feel so microbiotic
vulnerable, fearful and slightly neurotic
is a finding I found when studying space
that is both ace
and a bit scary at the same time.

It so transpires that space is vast
so massive that you see the past
when stars twinkle like diamond studs
you are looking at old goods
history.

I also found for each sand grain
that lies upon the Earth's terrain
there are a thousand stars in space
which makes our place
just a speck really.

Assuming that space is infinite
I can confirm that's definite
if you travelled in space for long enough
you'd find some weird, mind-bending stuff
like parallel worlds.

In these worlds you could find a being
that would have you question what you were seeing
it would look and talk and act like you
but some of the secretive stuff you do
it would do openly.

Space infinity guarantees
that there are all manner of odd species
living near stars we can't quite swing on
like Aquitirians, Vulcan, Klingon
and Borg.

I dig space, I think it's cosmic
think of its size then apply some logic
there's nothing you can think of not happening up there
but do you care?
Thought not.


Pacifism

Being the smallest
child in form 5M,
sporting a pair of
national health specs,
taught me that fighting
held little honour
and hurt a great deal
both inside and out.















Turnips

Turnip feast, turnip feast
Bastock stuffs a gut full
burpy turns to gassy leak
Bastock looking doleful.

Home he trot to see wife, Dot
says "Clean blasters I desire"
Dot say "You mucky Bastock
I'll wang 'em on the fire".

Burning pants a fumey choke
descends upon the kitchen
"May as well have baked a turd"
say Dottie still abitchin'

Bastock lopey off akip
two by beds they lie in
Bastock bottie windy blow
the duvet goes aflyin'

Bastock cork in sphincter shove
to stop his bum achuffin'
one comes up and cork pops out
hits Dottie in her muffin

Dottie yell plays bloody hell
Bastock runs for cover
deep regret of turnip feast
he'll never chomp another.


Trousers

'Where are my nice trousers?'
my plaintive cri de coeur
to the fast assembled crowding
on the parquet ballroom floor.

'You're wearing them, you idiot'
said one, trying to be helpful.



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