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New chums, Ruth and Dean Nelhams have sent in the following two belters. I don't know if they are related or, by some strange coincidence, just share the same surname and address.
Thanks Ruth and Dean...

Kept In The Dark

What was that noise, I heard late last night?
I woke with a start, it gave me a fright.
A creek on the stairs, then a groan,
A clanging of chains and a ghostly moan.

I pulled the covers up tight over my face,
I didn't want to be here alone in this place.
My heart beat faster, sweat on my brow.
The door slowly opened, what shall I do now?

I dare not look, I dare not stare.
At the ghoulish figure standing there.
I felt its presence, I felt its being.
I knew it was there without even seeing.

Be brave, you fool, don't be shy.
Uncover your face, look it straight in the eye.
My pulse was racing, I took a deep breath.
Pulled down the sheet. Would I stare at death?

I opened my eyes, and what did I see?
My mum standing there with a hot cup of tea.
"Get up girl, get out of bed".
"To wake you up, is like waking the dead!"

"But I heard a ghost mum, didn't you?"
"The chains were a clanging and the stairs creaked too."
"Don't be silly girl, it's all in your mind,"
"Too much cheese last night, I think you will find!"

Copyright Ruth Nelhams.

Morton Hackett

"My dear chap," said the fella I met in the supermarket,
"Has anybody mentioned you're the spit of Morton Harkett?"
"Do you mean the scandinavian lad who found fame with Aha,
or the brummie with the lisp who does the service on my car?"
He looked at me reproachfully and said,"what do you think?"
I didn't like his tone of voice so I just gave a wink.
The wink I used, I think did bruise his ego just a bit,
I'd seen that bird Anne Robinson from the Weakest Link use it.
"There's no need to be like that"
The chappy looked quite hurt,
"I could have said that with those legs you would look better in a skirt"
On this point I couldn't argue, it's true I've got great pins,
so I thought what the hell and smiled,
he thinks he's in and grins.
"Don't get the wrong impression, mate, I'm as red blooded as you"
This didn't reassure me so I rushed off to isle two.
"No wait there mate, I think you're great"
he yelled as he came for me,
"I'm not after your lunchbox, just join me for some tea."
He followed me past the coffee and through the frozen section,
shouting "Come home, meet my cat. I've got a rubber mask collection!"
By this time people were staring, trying to get out the way,
they could see by my face that I didn't want to play.
I'd had enough of running so I turned around and said,
"Leave me alone you nutter, you're completely off your head!"
He didn't take rejection well and burst into a flood of tears,
"I don't know what came over me, I've been a fan of Morton's for years"
"There, there don't cry, come to my car, it's right there where I parked it"
He's ok now cos he's found love with the brummie Morton Harkett!

Copyright Dean Nelhams.

Paul of has sent this short one. You can get to drystonewall through the Stupid Links Page.




Copyright Paul Drystonewall (If that really is his name).