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Vermin

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A Trio Of Visually Impaired Rodents

A trio of visually impaired rodents
A trio of visually impaired rodents
Observe their rapid movement
Observe their rapid movement
In concert the three
pursued the landworker's cohabitee
who amputated their cartilaginous appendages
by swift application of a meat cutting utensil.
Do you recall witnessing a similar incident
to a trio of visually impaired rodents
being mutilated in the aforementioned manner?


Rat

A rat the size of a lorry
has invaded my garden shed
should I call Rentokil to evict it
or simply ignore it instead?

Rat has tattoos on his eyelids
and teeth the size of church doors
a tail that cracks like a bull whip
and fat hairy razor-sharp claws.

Cat is on antidepressants
since rat arrived on the scene
rat bullied pussy in public
now pussy has low self-esteem.

Perhaps I should try and "befriend" rat
feign concern and pretend that I care
feed it cheese, maybe knit it a jumper
then persuade it to move on elsewhere.

I could hire a fieldmouse femme fatale
to soften him up a bit
catch rat of guard then hit him hard
when he's least expecting it.

But why resort to violence?
It never solved a thing
the answer's clear, I'm leaving here
to go live in Beijing.

Hang on though, I think it may be going...



Swans

Went for a walk
around a lake
with friend, Perry.

Saw four pillocks
drunk on cider
throwing pebbles
at six white swans.

Yelled at morons
to stop barrage.
Told to eff off
and keep nose out.

Four idiots
throw more missiles
at distressed swans.
White wings flapping
swans cry for help.

Drenched with fury
I throw a punch
at mouthy drunk
miss, lose balance
and fall in lake.

Six angry swans
attack at speed
a swift response
to my presence
within the swan
exclusion zone.

Four swanhaters
and friend, Perry
laugh 'til they pee.

Don't see Perry
much anymore.



Reinvention

From today, I'd like you all
to refer to me as Kurt Xerox.
When my new name is mentioned
people will sit up, take note
and afford me due respect.
You don't get anywhere in life
with a name like Sid Orange.

Should you invite me to dinner
I will, more than likely, punch a guest.
You don't mess with Kurt Xerox.
Manners and decorum?
All very nice if you're a wimp
but K.X has no time for convention.
In my book, the meek are just weak.

Ask Xerox a direct question
you'll get a lie straight back.
No one is interested in the truth.
Read any newspaper, listen to any politician.
Honesty is passe, old hat: So for the record
Kurt is a secret agent responsible for co-ordinating the elimination
of the seven species of alien lifeform here on planet earth.

Women? I'll be beating them off with a stick
men too, I wouldn't wonder (not interested).
Call me old fashioned but I don't hold
with all this gender equality business.
If God had meant us to be equal
He wouldn't have made women such poor drivers.
Women don't go for the sensitive type, anyway.

So this is the new me: Kurt Xerox,
a maverick, ass-kickin' S.O.B.
I get my own way by fair means or otherwise
and do who I like and what I like, when I like.
Charity begins with me.
I feel so much more in tune with the world
than the old me ever did.