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Udders And Other Matters

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Udders

If women had udders
and cows had breasts
what would be shown in The Sun?
Would it be Daisy
the feisty heifer
boasting 98-100-91?

Would it be Sharon
the Croydon belle
With udder attached to her sternum?
She'd have admiring bullocks
throughout the land
though four-teated Sharon'd spurn 'em.

Would Farmer's Monthly
become a jazz mag
top shelf stuff not for sale to the nippers?
Would Playboy become
a livestock guide
a rattling good read for sheep dippers?

This fascination
for lactiferous glands
raises questions I believe worth pursuing.
Who was the first man
to milk a cow
and what did he think he was doing?


At Leeds City Art Galleries

Amid the traps
of beauty and provocation
set by Hirst, Spencer and Bird
sits a beaver fashioned from
a plywood twin-tub fascia
a sign warns not to touch
just in case ya
want to kick it across the gallery
as I did
so maybe it works.


Postman Pete

Postman Pete
had two left feet
so inclined to the right
this slowed him down
and so his round
was mainly done at night.

Pete would cling
to anything
to keep up on his feet
a bus stop, wall
even Pope John Paul
had one-time propped up Pete.



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