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Vic the Vagrant

Vic the vagrant
wasn't fragrant
but he didn't care
his unique smell
went down well
in Weston-super-Mare.
At this resort
the locals fought
to sniff around our Vic
one good snook
was all it took
to make 'em very sick.







Doctor

Doctor examining patient asks
'Do you get breathless, Meg?'
Stone deaf wrinkly thinks then replies
'I sometimes have an egg'.



Sven Goran Eriksson

Take 'Sven Goran Eriksson'
and displace every letter.
You get 'a non risk governess'
which I think sounds much better.




My Second Girlfriend

My second girlfriend was called Simone
she looked like Arsenal's Martin Keown
but she owned a Raleigh Chopper
so I went out with her proper
though her dad who was a copper
thought our relationship improper
and said I'd come a cropper
if I didn't end it.
I did not intend it
to jeopardise my welfare
so I bade farewell to her
having had a final go on her bike.


Sexist Limerick

There was a young man from Majorca
whose bird was an absolute corker.
Her curvaceous figure
filled him with vigour
and thrills as he managed to pork 'er.

PC Limerick

There was a young man from Majorca
whose 'friend' was a marvellous talker.
The range of her knowledge
proved hard work in college
but he didn't stop porkin' the corker.









Mum

The very first words I ever spoke
according to my mum
were 'brachial plexus bronchiolitis'
and then I sucked my thumb.

From thereon my mater thought
that I'd become a doctor
but I didn't fancy that
and my reluctance shocked 'er.

She's still convinced I meant to say
those multi-syllabic words
but I was only six weeks old
so find this quite absurd.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mum
but not her expectations
I'm happy in my dead end job
as Head of The United Nations.


A Very Strange Thing

On a pleasure cruise along the River Ouse
I remarked to my good friend, Hector
that were he a casting director
and looking for an actor
to play a U-boat officer
he could do worse than casting
the man starboard standing
with monocle and scar over his kisser.
We later engaged the very same chap
and were truly astonished to glean
he had served in the German armed forces
and commanded a submarine.



Injustice

Birmingham six
Guilford four
rank injustice
it should have been a draw.
Birmingham's first two
were clearly offside.
Hawaii Five-O
there's a free scoring side.
'Book him, Danno' Steve McGarrett cried
'Better still send him off because he looked at me funny'.


James

Teary eyed James at three o'clock
dirty knees, grey concertina socks
hicks and gulps around his sobs
and through snot caked lips explains
that Josh had called him terrible names
like bird, crocodile and Matthew.